I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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