yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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