Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
