What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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