Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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