he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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