Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
