we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
