We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
