I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Randomize
