Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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