I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
