Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
