Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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