I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
