my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize