Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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