Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
