I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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