I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
