What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize