remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
splinters make it hard to masturbate
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
last night I used snow as a chaser
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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