I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
two words: eviction party
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
