It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
