I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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