btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
