ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
