if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
