apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
