Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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