i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
