Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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