you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
