Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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