my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
