i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I think I just shit out all my problems.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
