the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
