He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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