I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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