I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
