Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My dick has a subreddit
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
