I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
