See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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