i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
