when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
