i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize