I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
