"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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