You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
