This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
