i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
