Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
