i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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