I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
