Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
