I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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