I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
