Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
