the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
